A Letter from Goldman Sachs CONCERNING OCCUPY WALL STREET
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) The following is a letter released today by
Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:
Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest
movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it
has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower
Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status
quo, we have taken note of these protests. And we have asked ourselves this
How can we make money off them?
The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose
investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they
spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist
system as we know it is circling the drain, but there's plenty of money to be
made on the way down.
The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are
poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and
barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes
between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making
significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken
windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the
construction and incineration of effigies.
It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say "Let them eat cake". But at
Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We
project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a
piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.
Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As the
world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is
a great way to tell the protesters, "Occupy this"! We haven't felt
so good about something we've sold since our souls.
Chairman, Goldman Sachs