1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit… Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Thursday, May 30, 2013
"You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice." [And other words of wisdom, thanks to Gary Smith and friends, some very twisty people ;-) ]
Thursday, January 24, 2013
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands; President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead; and more from GCFL
Humorous Headlines
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
--
Rate, print or email this funny at
http://www.gcfl.net/archive. php?funny=20130124Funny Headlines, thanks to GCFL
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Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
--
Rate, print or email this funny at
http://www.gcfl.net/archive.
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Saturday, January 12, 2013
Crazy Weight-Loss Schemes Through The Ages, courtesy of Popular Science
Personally prefer the FitBit,Withings scale, LoseIt app, and reducing starch/sugar, but these are funny... C.
Crazy Weight-Loss Schemes Through The Ages
Did you resolve to get thin this year? Here are six absurd weight-loss programs of yore, plus one incredibly mean weight-gain ad from 1939.
2013 is definitely going to be the year you honor your New Year's resolution to diet and exercise more. Definitely! But before you spend money on work-out devices or weight-loss supplements, check out these seven old ads from the Popular Science archive, and remember that if something seems too good to be true, it's probably going to embarrass you later. (Or it might be a scary amphetamine; see slide 6.)
Bonus: An ad for weight-gain tablets that promises to help "thousands of thin, tired, nervous people" pack on the pounds. Because everyone knows that "no skinny man has an ounce of sex appeal!"
Click here to enter the gallery
Crazy Weight-Loss Schemes Through The Ages | Popular Science
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Wednesday, January 2, 2013
"The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task, it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore, so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure." -- Daniel Dennett
"The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task, it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore, so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure." -- Daniel Dennett
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Monday, December 31, 2012
"Once you are dead, you are nothing" and other graffiti from Pompeii...
[As you can see, graffiti has not really changed much... As a casual student of history, thanks to http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2012/12/19/is-this-a-toilet/#comment-442534 for the pointer...]
Graffiti from Pompeii
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This is a cached version of a page developed by Prof. Prof. Brian Harvey. Credit for the content belongs to him.
Each inscription begins with a reference to where it was found (region.insula.door number). The second number is the reference to the publication of the inscription in the Corpus Inscriptionum Latinarum, Volume 4.
I.2.20 (Bar/Brothel of Innulus and Papilio); 3932: Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!
I.2.23 (peristyle of the Tavern of Verecundus); 3951: Restitutus says: “Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates”.
I.4.5 (House of the Citharist; below a drawing of a man with a large nose); 2375: Amplicatus, I know that Icarus is buggering you. Salvius wrote this.
I.7.1 (in the vestibule of the House of Cuspius Pansa); 8075: The finances officer of the emperor Nero says this food is poison
I.7.8 (bar; left of the door); 8162: We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus.
I.10.2-3 (Bar of Prima); 8258, 8259: The story of Successus, Severus and Iris is played out on the walls of a bar: [Severus]: “Successus, a weaver, loves the innkeeper’s slave girl named Iris. She, however, does not love him. Still, he begs her to have pity on him. His rival wrote this. Goodbye.”. [Answer by Successus]: “Envious one, why do you get in the way. Submit to a handsomer man and one who is being treated very wrongly and good looking.” [Answer by Severus]: “I have spoken. I have written all there is to say. You love Iris, but she does not love you.”
I.10.2-3 (Bar of Prima); 8297: Word square
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I.10.4 (near the rear entrance vestibule of the House of Menander); 8356: At Nuceria, look for Novellia Primigenia near the Roman gate in the prostitute’s district.
I.10.4 (exterior of the House of Menander); 8304: Satura was here on September 3rd
I.10.7 (House and Office of Volusius Iuvencus; left of the door); 8364: Secundus says hello to his Prima, wherever she is. I ask, my mistress, that you love me.
II.2.1 (Bar of Astylus and Pardalus); 8408: Lovers are like bees in that they live a honeyed life
II.2.3 (Bar of Athictus; right of the door); 8442: I screwed the barmaid
II.3.10 (Pottery Shop or Bar of Nicanor; right of the door); 10070: Lesbianus, you defecate and you write, ‘Hello, everyone!’
II.4.1 (bar; left of the door, near a picture of Mercury); 8475: Palmyra, the thirst-quencher
II.7 (gladiator barracks); 8767: Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion.
II.7 (gladiator barracks); 8792: On April 19th, I made bread
II.7 (gladiator barracks); 8792b: Antiochus hung out here with his girlfriend Cithera.
III.4.2 (House of the Moralist); 7698a: Let water wash your feet clean and a slave wipe them dry; let a cloth cover the couch; take care of our linens.
III.4.2 (House of the Moralist); 7698b: Remove lustful expressions and flirtatious tender eyes from another man’s wife; may there be modesty in your expression.
III.4.2 (House of the Moralist); 7698c: […]postpone your tiresome quarrels if you can, or leave and take them home with you.
III.5.1 (House of Pascius Hermes; left of the door); 7716: To the one defecating here. Beware of the curse. If you look down on this curse, may you have an angry Jupiter for an enemy.
III.5.3 (on the wall in the street); 8898: Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog
III.5.4 (exterior of a small house); 8903: Gaius Sabinus says a fond hello to Statius. Traveler, you eat bread in Pompeii but you go to Nuceria to drink. At Nuceria, the drinking is better.
V.1.18 (House of Valerius Flaccus and Valerius Rufinus; right of the door); 4066: Daphnus was here with his Felicla.
V.1.26 (House of Caecilius Iucundus); 4091: Whoever loves, let him flourish. Let him perish who knows not love. Let him perish twice over whoever forbids love.
V.1.26 (peristyle of the House of Caecilius Iucundus); 4087: Staphylus was here with Quieta.
V.3.9 (House of Cosmus and Epidia; right of the door); 6702: Aufidius was here. Goodbye
V.5 (just outside the Vesuvius gate); 6641: Defecator, may everything turn out okay so that you can leave this place
V.5 (near the Vesuvius Gate); 7086: Marcus loves Spendusa
V.5.3 (barracks of the Julian-Claudian gladiators; column in the peristyle); 4289: Celadus the Thracian gladiator is the delight of all the girls
VI (on the Street of Mercury); 1321: Publius Comicius Restitutus stood right here with his brother
VI.6.1 (House of the Olii; on the Via Consolare); 139: The city block of the Arrii Pollii in the possession of Gnaeus Alleius Nigidius Maius is available to rent from July 1st. There are shops on the first floor, upper stories, high-class rooms and a house. A person interested in renting this property should contact Primus, the slave of Gnaeus Alleius Nigidius Maius.
VI.11 (on the Vico del Labirinto); 1393: On April 20th, I gave a cloak to be washed. On May 7th, a headband. On May 8th, two tunics
VI.13.19 (House of Sextus Pompeius Axiochus and Julia Helena; left of the door); 4485: Hectice, baby, Mercator says hello to you
VI.14 (vico degli Scienziati); 3042: Cruel Lalagus, why do you not love me?
VI.14.20 (House of Orpheus); 4523: I have buggered men
VI.14.36 (Bar of Salvius); 3494: In one bar, a picture depicts two men playing dice. One shouts, “Six!” while his opponent holds up two fingers and says, “No, that’s not a ‘three’; it’s a ‘two’”. By the door of the bar, another picture shows a short man driving a group of men out. Above his head are the words, “Go on, get out of here! You have been fighting!”
VI.14.36 (Bar of Salvius; over a picture of a woman carrying a pitcher of wine and a drinking goblet); 3494: Whoever wants to serve themselves can go on an drink from the sea.
VI.14.37 (Wood-Working Shop of Potitus): 3498: What a lot of tricks you use to deceive, innkeeper. You sell water but drink unmixed wine
VI.14.43 (atrium of a House of the Large Brothel); 1520: Blondie has taught me to hate dark-haired girls. I shall hat them, if I can, but I wouldn’t mind loving them. Pompeian Venus Fisica wrote this.
VI.15.6 (House of Caesius Valens and Herennius Nardus); 4637: Rufus loves Cornelia Hele
VI.16.15 (atrium of the House of Pinarius); 6842: If anyone does not believe in Venus, they should gaze at my girl friend
VII (House of the Tetrastyle Atrium); 2060: Romula hung out here with Staphylus.
VII.1.40 (House of Caesius Blandus; in the peristyle of the House of Mars and Venus on the Street of the Augustales); 1714: It took 640 paces to walk back and forth between here and there ten times
VII.6.35 (Brothel of Venus; on the Vico dei Soprastanti opposite the Vicolo del Gallo); 1645: May Love burn in some lonely mountains whoever wants to rape my girl friend!
VII.2.18 (vicolo del Panattiere, House of the Vibii, Merchants); 3117: Atimetus got me pregnant
VII.2.18 (vicolo del Panattiere, House of the Vibii, Merchants); 3131: Figulus loves Idaia
VII.2.44 (Bar of Hedone (or Colepius) on the Street of the Augustales; on the corner toward the lupinare); 1679: Hedone says, “You can get a drink here for only one coin. You can drink better wine for two coins. You can drink Falernian for four coins.”
VII.2.48 (House of Caprasius Primus); 3061: I don’t want to sell my husband, not for all the gold in the world
VII.7.5 (House of the Calpurnii); 4783: Crescens is sweet and charming
VII.9 (Eumachia Building, via della Abbondanza); 2048: Secundus likes to screw boys.
VII.12.18-20 (the Lupinare); 2175: I screwed a lot of girls here.
VII.12.18-20 (the Lupinare); 2185: On June 15th, Hermeros screwed here with Phileterus and Caphisus.
VII.12.18-20 (the Lupinare); 2192: Sollemnes, you screw well!
VII.12.35 (Vico d’ Eumachia, small room of a possible brothel); 2145: Gaius Valerius Venustus, soldier of the 1st praetorian cohort, in the century of Rufus, screwer of women
VII.12.35 (Vico d’ Eumachia, small room of a possible brothel); 2146: Vibius Restitutus slept here alone and missed his darling Urbana
VII.12.35 (Vico d’ Eumachia, small room of a possible brothel); 2163: The warmest hello to Saenecio Fortunaus, wherever he may go.
VII.15.11-12 (House of Verus; between the two doors of the house); 4838: Secundus says hello to his friends.
VIII (corridor in the theater); 2457: Methe, slave of Cominia, from Atella, loves Chrestus. May Pompeian Venus be dear to both of them and may they always live in harmony.
VIII (Street of the Theaters); 64: A copper pot went missing from my shop. Anyone who returns it to me will be given 65 bronze coins (sestertii). 20 more will be given for information leading to the capture of the thief.
VIII.1 (above a bench outside the Marine Gate); 1751: If anyone sits here, let him read this first of all: if anyone wants a screw, he should look for Attice; she costs 4 sestertii.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1797: No young buck is complete until he has fallen in love
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1808: Auge loves Allotenus
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1811: A small problem gets larger if you ignore it.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1812: Caesius faithfully loves M[…name lost]
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1816: Epaphra, you are bald!
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1820: Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they every have before!
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1824: Let everyone one in love come and see. I want to break Venus’ ribs with clubs and cripple the goddess’ loins. If she can strike through my soft chest, then why can’t I smash her head with a club?
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1826: Phileros is a eunuch!
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1837: If you are able, but not willing, why do you put off our joy and kindle hope and tell me always to come back tomorrow. So, force me to die since you force me to live without you. Your gift will be to stop torturing me. Certainly, hope returns to the lover what it has once snatched away.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1842: Gaius Pumidius Dipilus was here on October 3rd 78 BC.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1852: Pyrrhus to his colleague Chius: I grieve because I hear you have died; and so farewell.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1863: Take hold of your servant girl whenever you want to; it’s your right
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1864: Samius to Cornelius: go hang yourself!
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1880: Lucius Istacidius, I regard as a stranger anyone who doesn’t invite me to dinner.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1880: The man I am having dinner with is a barbarian.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1881: Virgula to her friend Tertius: you are disgusting!
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1882: The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1904: O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed that you have not already collapsed in ruin.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1926: Epaphra is not good at ball games.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1928: Love dictates to me as I write and Cupid shows me the way, but may I die if god should wish me to go on without you
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1951: Sarra, you are not being very nice, leaving me all alone like this
VIII.7.6 (Inn of the Muledrivers; left of the door); 4957: We have wet the bed, host. I confess we have done wrong. If you want to know why, there was no chamber pot
IX.1.26 (atrium of the House of the Jews); 2409a: Stronius Stronnius knows nothing!
IX.2.18 (House of Curvius Marcellus and Fabia; in the tablinum); 4993: Ampliatus Pedania is a thief!
IX.5.11 (House of Poppaeus Sabinus; peristyle); 5092: If you felt the fires of love, mule-driver, you would make more haste to see Venus. I love a charming boy; I ask you, goad the mules; let’s go. Take me to Pompeii, where love is sweet. You are mine…
IX.5.18 (House of Hercules and Nessus; beside the door of house); 5112: Learn this: while I am alive, you, hateful death, are coming.
IX.8.3 (House of the Centenary; in the atrium); 5213: My lusty son, with how many women have you had sexual relations?
IX.8.3 (House of the Centenary; in the latrine near the front door); 5243: “Secundus defecated here” three time on one wall.
IX.8.3 (House of the Centenary; interior of the house); 5279: Once you are dead, you are nothing
IX.8.11 (triclinium of a house); 5251: Restitutus has deceived many girls.
Nuceria Necropolis (on a tomb); 10231: Serena hates Isidorus
Nuceria Necropolis (on a tomb); 10241: Greetings to Primigenia of Nuceria. I would wish to become a signet ring for no more than an hour, so that I might give you kisses dispatched with your signature.
Herculaneum (bar/inn joined to the maritime baths); 10674: [a bar tab] …Some nuts …? coins; drinks: 14 coins; lard: 2 coins; bread: 3 coins; three meat cutlets: 12 coins; four sausages: 8 coins. Total: 51 coins
Herculaneum (bar/inn joined to the maritime baths); 10675: Two friends were here. While they were, they had bad service in every way from a guy named Epaphroditus. They threw him out and spent 105 and halfsestertii most agreeably on whores.
Herculaneum (bar/inn joined to the maritime baths); 10677: Apelles the chamberlain with Dexter, a slave of Caesar, ate here most agreeably and had a screw at the same time.
Herculaneum (bar/inn joined to the maritime baths); 10678: Apelles Mus and his brother Dexter each pleasurably had sex with two girls twice.
Herculaneum (on a water distribution tower); 10488: Anyone who wants to defecate in this place is advised to move along. If you act contrary to this warning, you will have to pay a penalty. Children must pay [number missing] silver coins. Slaves will be beaten on their behinds.
Herculaneum (on the exterior wall of a house); 10619: Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, defecated well here
Graffiti from Pompeii
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Thursday, December 20, 2012
CU-Boulder students in NASA's hit 'Gangnam Style' parody - Boulder Daily Camera
CU-Boulder students help create NASA's hit 'Gangnam Style' parody
Space Center and invited everyone for the first public viewing of it. By the time we had shown it once and talked about it, it already had 300 views."

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CU-Boulder students help create NASA's hit 'Gangnam Style' parody - Boulder Daily Camera
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2 students in Houston for co-op program at space center
By Mitchell Byars Camera Staff Writer
Posted: 12/19/2012 03:29:24 PM MST
Updated: 12/19/2012 03:32:25 PM MST
Just when it seemed like the "Gangnam Style" phenomenon couldn't get any bigger, the dance craze has even made its way to outer space. Well, sort of.
A student co-op group at NASA's Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center -- which includes two University of Colorado students -- made and starred in a parody video of Korean pop-star Psy's YouTube dance hit that has found its own viral success.
CU junior Chris Nie, who was part of the student co-op at the Johnson Space Center and is in the clip, said the video took off within minutes of being uploaded Friday. At last check, the video had more than 1.9 million views and was fast approaching 2 million.
"It was nuts," Nie said. "We had like a world-premiere type deal at the Johnson
The "NASA Johnson Style" video features a Psy look-a-like singing about all of the things NASA is doing at the space center before students, workers, directors and even a few astronauts break into Psy's famous horse-riding "Gangnam Style" dance.
Nie was one of the students filmed dancing in various scenes of the video, and while the lead dancer does a good imitation of the dance, Nie said the others had a few practice sessions to make sure they had their moves down.
"There were one or two people who had it down, but we had a couple practice sessions to get it as close as we could," Nie said. "It was good because we used 3-second clips, so we could kind of get the best parts."
As far as how well he thought he did on the video?
"I think I was about a 7 (out of 10) by the end," he said. "As a whole group were about a 5."
'Pretty neat opportunity'
For fellow CU student Kirstyn Johnson, it wasn't just about learning the moves for the video. When Johnson appears at the 1:33 mark, she can be seen doing the dance in a NASA Mark III space suit.
"It was pretty hard, because the suit weighs about 150 pounds," she said. "But it was pretty cool to see the suit could move in that way and do those moves."
Working on space suits and other hands-on engineering experiences are just some of the things Nie and Johnson got to do while at the Johnson Space Center as part of the student co-op program. The aerospace engineering majors took off this fall semester from CU to work on NASA projects in Houston.
"It's a pretty neat opportunity to get real world engineering experience," Johnson said.
But it wasn't all work and no play. The student co-op always makes a video, and after seeing "Gangnam Style" take off, the students had their inspiration.
"I think it was to about half a billion views at that point, so we thought it would be a fun one to parody," Nie said.
So during their lunch hours and after work, the students went through the making of the video, which took about a month and a half. Nie said getting some of the astronauts and other engineers to play along took some convincing -- but eventually they joined in.
"Once we started getting a couple shots, the editor got the first minute nailed down, and when people saw how good it was, they started jumping on board," Nie said.
'Reaching out to people'
Nie said it helped that the success of another parody video -- "We're NASA and We Know It," a spoof of LMFAO's "We're Sexy and We Know It" that was not made by NASA -- made the agency more keen to helping spread the video.
"At NASA, the whole goal is to outreach to everyone, but particularly younger folks, to inspire them to do these things when they grow up," Nie said. "That's the most rewarding thing, seeing all the comments on Facebook and YouTube saying, 'This is really cool, so glad you guys are doing this.' The video has done a really good job of reaching out to people who wouldn't necessarily see what we're doing at NASA."
Johnson added that using a current pop culture phenomenon fit in with NASA's message that the space agency is still relevant.
"One of the reasons we wanted to get the video out there and popular is to say, 'Hey, we're still here developing technology at the Johnson Space Center," Johnson said.
The two juniors are set to return to Boulder in the spring, but at least they have a video keepsake to always remember their time with NASA.
"It's crazy seeing something this student co-op made taking off like this," she said.
Added Nie, "If I ever get a job interview with a company in aerospace and they ask if I really enjoy it, I'll show them this video. That should be enough proof."
Contact Camera Staff Writer Mitchell Byars at 303-473-1329 or byarsm@dailycamera.com.
CU-Boulder students help create NASA's hit 'Gangnam Style' parody - Boulder Daily Camera
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Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Twisty Christmas Humor, from Gary, Larry, and Jim (No one is quite the same after EDA...)
![]() | |||
| Gary Smith Some new ones (some of which are a bit crude but funny). | |||
Happy Holidays !!!!!
From: Larry Larder
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Twisted Christmas Humor
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Twisted Christmas Humor
Christmas Humor
and:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would you eat this cookie ???
From: Jim Handy [Jim.Handy at Objective- Analysis.com]
Sent: Saturday, December 08, 2012 12:05 PM
To: Gary Smith
Subject: Snowman Christmas Cookies
Sent: Saturday, December 08, 2012 12:05 PM
To: Gary Smith
Subject: Snowman Christmas Cookies
Here's something that might strike a chord with the people on your "Jokes" mailing list!
A great start to the holiday season.
Jim
______________________________
Jim Handy
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Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Oh, cool, the magnets have arrived [Howard Wolowitz] pic.twitter.com/Z8Damc42
Oh, cool, the magnets have arrived pic.twitter.com/Z8Damc42
(9) Twitter / Search - magnets
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Sunday, December 2, 2012
When Nomadic Matt's Roommate **** in His Hostel/Dorm Room, ah, memories... | Nomadic Matt's Travel Site
P.S. He still likes the hostel... I guess everyone likes experiences that give them good stories to tell, or just that create vivid memories that last a lifetime (or until you can somehow scrub them out of your brain :-) )...
My Hostel Horror Story: When My Roommate Shit in Our Dorm Room
By Nomadic Matt | Published October 30th, 2012
But that feeling changed when I had the shittiest roommate of all time. Hostel dorm rooms and I are now on an indefinite break.
Let me explain why (and warn you now that I wouldn’t be eating while you read this):
It all began on a lovely Barcelona Monday morning in September. I was enjoying a nice sleep, dreaming one of my typical surrealist dreams – dreams that have me being Batman one moment and escaping aliens on ancient clipper ships in another. Awoken by a loud banging from using my superpowers to fight bad guys, I looked at my phone – 7:30 am. The banging from the door continued. Groggy from sleep, I woke up, wished someone else had heard the noise instead of me, got out of bed, and opened the door. My Brazilian dorm mate standing in his towel said “Sorry” and rushed into the room.
This was the latest event on a long list of weekend rudeness. I was traveling with my friendKiersten and we had been staying four nights in a dorm with this Brazilian and his friend. They snored, turned the lights on at night, came home drunk, talked loudly, proposed marriage to Kiersten, and were very messy. We were happy to be checking out of the room that day.
After letting the Brazilian in, I went back to my bed, and just as I was about to lay down, caught an odious whiff of something. “What is that smell? Why does it smell like shit?” I said to myself. I looked everywhere and couldn’t place it. I hadn’t pooped myself in my sleep. Being still half asleep only added to my confusion.
“What is going on?”
I was perplexed.
Then I smelled my hand.
“Why does my hand smell like shit?” I thought.
I was now even more confused. I got back up and turned on the lights to the dorm.
And that’s when I noticed it – I had shit on my hand.
Because there was shit on the door handle.
And a poop trail back to the large Brazilian’s bed.
I stared in shock at my hand and turned to him. Catching my gaze, he looked at me and said “I just got in, dude. I just got in!!!” He was playing dumb.
Now I understood why he was showering so early in the morning – he had shit himself, touched the doorknob on the way to the bathroom (in what I can only hope was a drunken accident because who would do that on purpose!?), and locked himself out of the room, leaving me as the unfortunate roommate to open the door. One can only imagine the reaction (eardrum shattering shrieks) if one of the girls in the dorm had been the unfortunate one.
“I just got in, dude,” was all he kept saying to me, trying to pretend that he wasn’t clearly the cause of this mess.
“You shit yourself in bed and then grabbed the door handle! That is fucking disgusting! And just rude!” I swore, horrified and disgusted by this whole event.
I ran to the bathroom and sanitized the crap out of my hand (pun intended). I scrubbed to what felt like the bone. Grabbing a roll of toilet paper, I walked back to the room, noticed a dirty mattress outside the room, and opened the door.
The trail of shit to the bed was gone but the inner door knob was not clean. “It wasn’t me,” the Brazilian guy said, trying to prove his innocence despite being caught in the act of cleaning the scene of the crime. Disgusted, I cleaned the doorknob myself, using all my remaining hand sanitizer and toilet paper.
I went back and washed my hands again, and then again, and then once more for good measure.
As I went back to the room, I looked into the dorm next door as the door was wide open. Not a bed was missing. Inside my dorm, the Brazilian had fallen into a drunken sleep on a mattress. To this day, I still don’t know where that mattress in the hall came from. My roommate had managed to find a clean mattress somehow.
Back in my newly cleaned room, I sat back down on my bed and tried to sleep a little more.
Kiersten, who was in the dorm above me, didn’t believe me when I told her this story later in the morning, but upon seeing a missed poop stain on the floor and a brown hand print on my dorm curtain (which I innocently grabbed before I knew what was on my hand and ripped off my bed after I knew), she freaked out and exclaimed, “Thank god we are checking out today.”
As we left the hostel that day, I hailed a cab.
“The W Hotel,” I said.
As I stepped into the cab, I was never more happy I had decided the night before to move from a hostel to a hotel because, now, a shit-free future, lay ahead of me.
P.S. – I’m not naming the hostel because it is a really good one and I had a great time there. This could have happened to anyone in any dorm in the world.
P.P.S – There were curtains on the bunk beds so people wouldn’t wake up and light was already coming into the room from the poorly shaded window so I wasn’t worried about waking anyone up.
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My Hostel Horror Story: When My Roommate Shit in Our Dorm Room | Nomadic Matt's Travel Site
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Howard Wolowitz 